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norma jean's deepest secrets [entries|friends|calendar]
norma jean baker

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(3 stars | wish on a star)

another nightmare instead of a dream. [13 Nov 2008|01:18am]
[ mood | numb ]

I feel like I just got hit by a Mack truck.

You don't expect to be hurt by people, but then hurt for them.

I made a lot of decisions this year that changed my life. Among those many decisions was to distance myself from people that were such an integral part of my life for so long. Was it easy? Hell no. Do I regret it? I don't think so.

For so many reasons, my life is at a really good place, and I'm finally in a place where I'm (gasp!) happy.

But, don't get me wrong. These people I let go of are not people I immediately forgot about. These are not people I hated or had anger towards. They may not mean what they did before to me in my life, but it doesn't mean I do not care about any of them.

I just found out one of these people has stage 4 cancer. It's a very surreal feeling. I don't know what to feel, to be honest. I feel sad, I know that much. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through; what her family and friends are going through, or what her finace is going through. It hurts me to think that someone so young...someone who is just about to start her life has encountered such an extreme set-back.

I feel helpless; and I feel like feeling these things is unfair and unwarented...I have no right to feel these things, but I do. It sucks when you want to do something and help someone so badly, but there is absolutely nothing you can do.

The only thing I know right now is that I'm sad. It hurts me to find this out; it's the last thing in the world I ever thought would happen, but it's happened, and now what am I supposed to do? Offer lame olive branches of support? It just doesn't seem good enough.

I feel hollow inside and a little lost. Very lost.

(wish on a star)

i'm trying not to make this about me. [10 Jun 2007|11:35pm]
sometimes, i feel like i just can't do anything right.

i try to please everyone. i try to do what people ask of me. i try to look out for the people i love. and really, all that seems to do is bite me in the ass and cause more problems for others and myself.

i did what was best. i did it because i knew what it was like to wonder that way and i know what it's like to have your life put on hold because of someone.

i guess if it means our friendship never being the same i'll have to deal with it.

it sucks trying to be a good friend. cause it never works.

(4 stars | wish on a star)

there will never be another bestie. [08 Jan 2007|03:21am]
[ mood | crushed ]

my life seems so crazy lately that i feel like i don't even know where to start.

i always feel that when i write i have to be eloquent and witty and make what i have to say sound far more interesting than it really is. but, right now, so much is going on that i don't care about trying to make my blogs award winning pieces of literature. right now, i feel like i've been keeping so much inside that i'm going to explode.

for 10 years, i had someone in my life that was always there. we weren't always best friends and we didn't always talk, but for those 10 years, she was always there. in the past 4 or 5 years, she became the one person in my life i could always count on. as someone who had a track record of having friends that would hurt me and use me and leave me whenever they got bored of me, i knew that she would never do that. i knew that i always had someone there when i needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to be excited about something with or someone to bitch to.

she was my best friend in the entire world.

and, in a matter of 30 seconds, all that changed.

i feel like i don't even know this person anymore. i feel like i've been lied to for...well, i don't even know for how long. i feel like i was decieved. suddenly, this person was a stranger to me.

it just breaks my heart that i thought i knew someone so well. maybe i still do, but i'm not sure anymore. i'm not sure of much anymore.

sometimes i feel like i walk through life with a bag over my head. i feel like i let so much of me out and i get the smallest part back from people. i've given so much of me to other people throughout my life that sometimes i feel like i have nothing left. i gave so much to people who have dumped me and i feel so cheated. i feel robbed of my life.

i haven't cried over this. i've been really angry. i've been irritated. i've been disappointed. i've been let down. but, i have yet to allow myself to be sad. maybe i feel like it's not over or that something will change, but it's been 2 weeks.

i'm just tired. my heart is tired. it's tired of making room for people and having those people crush me and leave.

tonight is the first night i've cried. i'm crying because the past 10 years feel like a lie. and i miss my best friend. and i wish she would come back, but i feel like it's too late. i feel like she's dead already.

and i feel dead already, too.

(6 stars | wish on a star)

boo. and not the scary kind. [31 Oct 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

we didn't get ONE trick-or-treater. and we even bought candy.

damn kids are gonna get me fat.

my halloween:
skipped class (headache)
cleaned room (almost done)
studied (not quite done)
cooked dinner for david and i
watched "halloween" (the original)

all my teachers plotted against me. bastards.

oh, and hello. it's been awhile

<3

(1 star | wish on a star)

it's been, like, 300 years. or something equally long. [28 Aug 2006|01:14am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

so, it seems that everyone who has semi-disappeared from lj land has made he or she's grand return, so i thought i would do the same.

life is surprisingly good. i'm in progess of making a new start in school; one that i feel happy about. i'm taking a class this semester that i am excited for. i have never EVER in my college career been excited for a class. it's also the into to my minor, so i suppose it means good things.

david is FINALLY home and tomorrow (or technically today) is our 9 month anniversary. which is, sadly, an outta control record for me. that and the fact that i don't think i can live without him. ever.

my new apartment and living arrangement is fabulous. i have my OWN ROOM. people, i have NEVER had my own room. AND bathroom. OUTTA CONTROL. i love it and i love my roomie. i love my apartment. it's grand. there's no drama, no married people, no drunken strangers at 2 in the morning (which is less exciting than it sounds). i just feel i'm past the point in my life where i'm constantly going to parties and bars and getting shit-faced. don't get me wrong, i enjoy the bars and the random party every now and than, but really, i just want to focus on school.

i have finally, after 22 years, weeded out all the bad in my life. the only people that surround me are positive people who lift me up and don't bring me down. i've slowly come to learn that it doesn't matter what people think. and that having 100 friends in my phonebook isn't what's important. although, i do admit that there are good people i have neglected to keep in touch with -- many of you in this wonderful lj bubble -- and i apologize. i have no excuse, except for the fact that i'm HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with people. i do miss you.

okay, i should go to bed. i want a good nights sleep. this won't be the last of me. sorry.

signed,

elaina my-teeth-hurt marie

(wish on a star)

bon voyage. [11 Aug 2006|01:37am]
[ mood | tired ]

so...in true elaina form, i left my wallet in my locker at work. in san jose. when i was in the bay. i didn't realize this until 10:30 at night. with help from jessica (p.i.c. for life and this is why) we tracked down the stock team and they opened my locker and got my wallet. and jessica picked it up for me. and my dad drove me down to san jose to get it.

ugh. i have to wake up in 4 hours.

i'll see you all upon my return. hopefully, three shades of brown darker.

<3

(wish on a star)

hide and seek with me. [25 Jul 2006|01:34am]
[ mood | hot ]

Sometimes I feel like a child
I want to hide away from it all.
Hide and seek,
Please don’t find me.

Come hide with me; we’ll sleep away our fears.
Let’s runaway together,
Forever.
I’m too scared to face what’s ahead;
Too discouraged to battle.

Hide and seek,
Only you can find me
And carry me to safety.
Dreams and wishes
Over and over, every night,
Forever, for the rest of our lives.

(5 stars | wish on a star)

for you and you. maybe you. [16 May 2006|01:40pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

i'm in this phase in my life where the past has come back to haunt me. i'm thinking about alot of people that used to be in my life that aren't anymore, and mostly, i don't know why. maybe it's spawned off the fact that someone from my past that hurt me has come along and made amends and we're working on being friends again. wherever this is coming from, i've attempted to contact some of these people in my past -- and failed immensly.

i actually recieved no response, which is far worse than a nasty response. i wanted SOME kind of response, even if it was "fuck off".

there's one especially that i get sad over every day, because this person was one of my best friends. this person was someone who's opinion i valued over anyones; who i went to when i didn't know where else to go; who told me how it was without hurting me. this was someone i could talk about life and love with. and i MISS that. i MISS this person SO much, and for the life of me, i can't understand why this person is so disinterested in me. i don't recall doing anything to offend or hurt this person, and even if i had, this person is one to come out and call me on it. and this person was never someone to give up on our friendship, because even when i didn't talk to or see this person, we were still able to go back to the place we used to be at.

the other person i've tried to contact...well, i'm not sure if this person is aware that i've tried to contact them. either way, i've been recieve SORT of well. this person was someone i was never super close with, which always surprised me, because out of all of them, we had the most in common. it's one of those things that i'll just have to wait and see.

the last person...well, this person, i'm not sure about. at first, it didn't bother me that we didn't talk anymore. it was almost okay with me, but lately, i've been thinking about this person. and i do miss them. it was another one of those things were i talked to them and then suddenly, my calls weren't being returned. and, again, i contacted them and got no response.

i've just been feeling like i'm finally getting my life in order. things are starting to work out for me. i'm getting a new start in school next semester. i have a amazing boyfriend who i love. i'm in a good place with all the friends i have in my life (almost...). i have a job that is actually paying me and giving me hours. everything else, all the little stuff, it's all coming together. i just want to feel like EVERYTHING is in place. i want to make peace -- with almost everyone...most people that cut me out, i could care less about.

this summer, i'm just focusing on getting my life together. i just want to feel good about everything.

if you're one of these people i'm talking about, i hope you read this and change you're mind. i hope you at least respond with a nasty e-mail, if anything. i still love you guys.

(5 stars | wish on a star)

life can be a blessing and a bitch. [30 Apr 2006|11:13am]
[ mood | depressed ]

so much has been going on and i've failed to blog about it. what's WRONG with me?

as most of you know, my grandfather passed away on easter. i mean, i knew it was gonna happen since he'd been really sick and all, but it was still really hard. at least i was able to say good-bye. it took a lot out of me. and i miss him so much. a lot, really. my whole life he lived down the street from me...he was always there. and now that house just won't be the same anymore.

i had a mid-life crisis at 22. this whole semester i've beeen struggling with school. i haven't felt happy with it at all, which was making me feel unhappy about myself. i didn't like my classes. i was constantly SO stressed out and always had too much on my plate. i couldn't handle all the work and what was worse, i didn't like doing most of it. so, i made a really huge and a really important decision -- i changed my major. now, instead of being an interior design major, i'm an art major with a concentration in interior design. this will allow me to still do something in the interior design field -- and all the classes i've taken won't be put to waste -- but i'll only have to take a few more design classes. now, i can take a wide variety of different art classes, which i've wanted to do. i want to take a photography class. i want to take a painting class. i want to take a creative writing class. i will now be able to do all these things and not just be stuck taking design class after design class -- classes that i didn't enjoy. since making this decision, i feel so much happier. i look forward to school again. i don't feel so horrible about myself, because while i haven't done so great these past semesters, i now feel like i can complete the course from last semester i got incompletes in and start fresh next semester. and i know that next semester i won't dread the classes or have 3 studio classes with tons of projects all due at the same time. it's just a burden i don't have to carry any more.

the last major thing happening is i got a new job (finally). most of you know i've been searching since january for one. after many turned in resumes from craig's list and asking around and going to interviews, gap has finally hired me. it's going to be a different pace from disney. i'll be selling clothes that i can wear. and JUST clothes. no more cleaning up plush and stupid souvies and toys. i get BENEFITS which is a load off my mind since i won't be able to use my mom's after my next birthday. it was a huge relief to my parents and one less thing they have to pay for. i'm getting paid MORE. finally...a raise after a year and a half. and, best part, MORE HOURS. i will actually be working. it's a larger store with more associates on the floor, so i'm excited for that change of pace, as well. everyone seems cool, too, which is comforting, because some places i went in to apply to seemed really stuffy. no thanks.

this job thing has almost been the biggest struggle. there's part of me that feels that i shouldn't have gotten the job. or that i don't deserve it. i almost feel like it's not worth it. it's caused tension and hurt feelings on my end. i actually thought about calling and saying, "thanks, but no thanks". but, the reality is, this is the first thing that's come up in months. i NEED to get out of debt. i NEED to stop living paycheck-to-paycheck and asking my parents for money. i'm 22 and can't even buy things for myself. it's not a fun feeling. i'm tired of not going out or saying no to things because i can't afford it. i'm not saying this job is going to make me rich, or anything, but at least i'll be able to afford to pay my bills and have at least a little extra for myself. and maybe now i'll be able to afford a plane ticket out to new york so i don't have to wait 3.5 months to see david.

that's the last thing. (EARLY) this morning i took david to the airport. he went back to syracuse today. i'm depressed. my support system and best friend is hundreds of miles away. the thing that always comforts me and is there for me is gone. it just sucks. i'm really sad. like, really. i don't know how i'm going to last without him.

so, that's pretty much my life at the moment. i'm just finishing up my last projects for school -- and believe me, all my time is going to that.

thanks to you guys who have been so supportive of me. i love you guys. <3

(4 stars | wish on a star)

it was fun...and than i wanted it to be over. [24 Apr 2006|11:26pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

Step 1: Put your iPod or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.

1. turn to me with frozon lips
2. don't you make a move tonight, you can only stagger
3. you gotta problem you just can't hide
4. what do you think of me? am i supposed to care?
5. scar tissue that i wish you saw (this is a freakin' give away)
6. take a life and hold it under water
7. eleven am, the garbage truck beeps as it backs up
8. won't face this day and i won't care now
9. to every broken heart in here
10. meet me in outer space
11. let me know, let me know
12. when morning breaks, we hide our eyes and our love's aching
13. waking up zeroed in on medicine
14. don't come too close
15. if ever i'm wrong, whatever i do
16. you like snow, but only if it's warm
17. i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
18. shortly after evelyn was doused with with gasoline
19. she says it's cold outside
20. time on my hands

(wish on a star)

fun times. [07 Apr 2006|05:14pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birth day (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births and one death in your journal, including the year.

february 18th

three facts:

1865: In the U.S., Delaware voters reject the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, and vote to continue the practice of slavery.
1929: First Academy Awards are announced.
1991: The IRA explodes bombs in the early morning at both Paddington station and Victoria station in London.

two births:

1950: John Hughes, American director, producer, and writer
1968: Molly Ringwald, American Actress

one death:

1564: Michaelangelo Buonarroti, Italian artist

(wish on a star)

[03 Apr 2006|08:52pm]
since the beginning of this year]


1. have you had a gf/bf?: yes
2. have you had your birthday?: i have. the big two-two.
3. gotten drunk?: much less than this time last year, but yeah.
4. gotten high?: nope.
5. smoked a cig?: had a drag of one. so proud!
6. cried? ugg. yes.
7. had someone close to you die?: almost.
9. drank starbucks?: yes, but i haven't had it in awhile and i'm missing my mochas.
10. went shopping?: i heart gift cards.
11. been camping?: no! i haven't been camping in SO long. i wanna go.
12. been to the beach?: no. sad day.
13. bought something for over $200?: hell no.
15. been out of state?: yep! new york.
16. visited a family member?: my grandpa like, 100 times.
17. gone snowboarding?: not since my 17th birthday. that was the first -- and the last -- time.


[in the past month]


1. have you had sex?: ;)
2. kissed someone?: mmm hmm.
3. slept in a friends bed?: david's.
4. snuck someone over?: i don't have to sneak people over...i live on my own.
5. snuck out of your own house?: again, i don't have to
6. been drunk?: i think.
7. lied?: i'm sure.
8. gotten a car?: well, i got her back. she was broken, poor boosh.
9. went over your cell phone bill?: yes. which is why my dad changed my plan 2 weeks ago.
10. been called a whore?: hell no. i'll kick a bitches ass.
11. drove somewhere?: almost every day.
12. been away from home for over 2 nights?: yep.
13. seen an old friend?: nope.


[in the past week]


1. bought something?: food.
3. watched t.v for over 3 hours straight?: no.
4. been to the movie theater?: nope. i hardly go. maybe a few times a year.
5. been to a party?: nope. my life is boring lately.
6. gone skydiving?: never.
7. been to the beach?: naw.
8. smoked?: just a drag. and it was a clove. and it was WONDERFUL.
9. gotten a gift from someone?: roses <3
10. been out of control?: no.
12. made a cd?: i haven't made a cd in hella days.
13. called someone?: always.
14. had someone tell you they love you?: yes <3


[lasts]


1. thing you bought?: museum board at university art.
2. person you hugged?: david.
3. person you talked to?: my boo, tina. i just got off the phone with her.
4. person to call you?: see above.
5. last thing you said to someone?: i'll talk to you later
6. last time you brushed your teeth?: this morning.
7. last time you took a bath?: a few weeks ago.
8. when was the last time you cried?: last week, like, a million times.
9. last time you felt stupid?: a few hours ago.
10. person you think about before you go to sleep?: always david.

(wish on a star)

i haven't done one of this in livejournal in a long time [05 Mar 2006|12:55pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
::my hair looks awesome...and by awesome i mean scary::

2. How much cash do you have on you?
none, at the moment.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
roar.

4. Favorite planet?
i'd have to say earth.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
my sissy. <3

6. What was 4th text message?
well, out of the ones that i keep...(i usually delete most texts)...david telling me he missed me.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
my edinburgh pub crawl tee shirt aka my pj's.

8. Do you "label" yourself as anything?
nervous.

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
i'm barefoot

10. Bright or Dark room?
bright. i hate dark rooms unless i'm sleeping, have a headache, am watching a movie, or...well, yeah.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
noaa is tiiiight. even though i haven't talking to her or seen her in awhile.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
driving to get food with david because we both hadn't had dinner.

14. What was your last text message you received on your mobile?
david getting butt hurt because i was right about something he thought i would be wrong about. bwahaha!

15. Where is your letter box?
downstairs from my apartment.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
boo.

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
jessica, i think.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
the new easter plush at work last night...they're so soft.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
zero! i finally got all my disneyland pictures developed.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
22 has been pretty good to me so far.

22. Your worst enemy?
eww. let's not go there.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
my and david in disneyland.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
::no, stay in here:: to david

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
the money. i'm afraid of heights, so i doubt flying would be fun for me.

26. Does anyone like you?
i'm PRETTY sure david does...i could be wrong...

27. The last song you listened to?
i can't remember.

28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, what would you do?
freak out. and cry really hard.

29. If you could punch 1 person in your life right now, who would it be?
hmm...just one person? haha

30. What is the closest object to your left foot?
well, i'm propped up in david's bed, so probably his bed.

(wish on a star)

it was only my birthday. [20 Feb 2006|01:13am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

so, for once, i was hoping for a kick ass birthday with all my friends there getting drunk and having fun. but, as usual, it was just another day to disappoint me.

it started out wonderful. sharon took me to lunch and we ran some errands for our party. i went home to get ready and i was already running late. reina got there before i was ready so she went to put our name in at cheesecake factory. the wait was an hour and half. and it was already after 6.

two good things happened: david got off work early so he came to dinner with us. and, when we got seated, i turned around to find my baby sister and my little hermana there. best birthday gift EVER.

by the time i got to sharons, it was almost nine and some of her friends were already there. me, rachel, reina, elisa, dannah, and christina all got ready in sharon's room and bathroom. by the time i was done, it was 10. a bunch of sharon's friends were there and chris and christine were there. (sorry i left you down there!)

the night just got worse. a bunch of people i didn't know showed. and half of them were super ghetto and trying to hit on my sisters. half the people i invited that said they were going to come didn't -- sick, flaky, car problems, etc. i drank, but couldn't get passed a buzz. it started getting crazy in the house and i was just not feeling it. no one i knew was even there anymore -- they weren't having fun, either.

my sisters, tommy, rachel, carlos, christina, dannah, matthew, and i all decided to leave and go back to david's to hang out. i cried in the car on the way there.

thank you to my sisters for coming for my birthday. i love you guys and you made it that much better. thank you especially to elisa for surprising me. and to reina for dinner and my alcohol.

thank you to david for buying a tie and being the most attractive person there. you saved the day for sure. <3

thank you to my bestie for driving down and dealing with shit and being there on my birthday. i love you.

thank you to katie for coming even though the rest of the girls didn't. it meant a lot to me. A LOT.

thanks to tommy. you braved it by yourself!

thanks to noel and matt for showing up to a party where you didn't know anyone! it was good to see you as always.

thanks to matthew for coming to hang out, even after being lost for so long. it meant so much to me.

and, thank you to all my loves from work: tina, jess, justine, juana, robert, chris, christine, and craig david. you guys let me have fun for an hour. i love you guys and am so thankful i have friends like you.

also, thank you not only to the people that came to celebrate, but to those that actually sent me some good wishes: david, coco, tina, tommy, kerry, and tasha.

oh, well. it's just another birthday, right? here's to year 22.

(wish on a star)

i want to sleep. [08 Feb 2006|12:24am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i'm very frustrated. and very tired.

i have to hand letter 3 pages of an index. and the book didn't come this weekend like it was supposed to. so i only just got the pages tonight. i've been working at this for 45 minutes and i have 3 lines. out of 3 pages. because the measuring is taking forever because my mayline for my drafting table decided to disappear. will someone tell me how you lose a mayline? i'd like to know.

kae, thanks.

(wish on a star)

my brain is the only thing functioning. [06 Feb 2006|12:55pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

there's something really wrong with me.

it's like someone sucked every ounce of energy out of me. it took me 20 minutes to put my clothes on.

i layed down and fell back asleep until i was supposed to be in class.

and now, my own body is dead weight.

(3 stars | wish on a star)

i'm moving back in with my parents. [25 Jan 2006|12:30am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

at the moment, that seems like the most positive option. i can't afford to live by myself -- unless it's in the ghetto -- and to tell you the truth, i don't know if i want to. i've NEVER been alone. i've always shared a room. there has always been someone else there. even now, i don't like to be alone. yes, sometimes i enjoy silence and my alone time, but in all honestly, it's not often enough for me to live by myself. everyone i know either has their living situation figured out, or they can't afford to move out. so...my option? move back home.

yes, the commute is a bitch. yes, i'd be living with my parents again. but, what choice do i have at this point?

it just sucks because someone else's life is so greatly affecting mine. decisions are being made without my consent and now, this is what i get from it. i have to make the shittiest decision i've ever had to make. because someone is selfish, i either have to be stuck in a situation i hate, or move back with my parents.

i'm tired of it. i'm tired of being disposable to people. i'm tired of people not informing me of information that involves me and thinking that what i feel or think means shit.

it will be better for my school work, i know. school really needs to be number one right now. i fucked up last semester and i have a lot of work to do to make things right. it will be less stressful.

so, as for this semester -- starting i'm not sure when -- i won't be a resident of san jose. ::sigh::

(8 stars | wish on a star)

my semi-annual reminder. [21 Jan 2006|01:24am]
[ mood | thankful ]

sometimes i have to remind myself how good i have it.

my family is...amazing. my parents' support for me is incredible. i've done a lot of things that should disappoint them or discourage them. but, still, they are here, helping me; supporting me; encouraging me. my sisters -- even when they anger me -- are two of my best friends. i can talk to them (even if they don't tell me what i want to hear) and no matter what, we can always make each other laugh.

my friends. i must start by saying that the friends i am talking about are the ones that are there. the ones that, no matter what, support me and love me. these are the people that know my good and bad and are still true. they are my everything. these are the people that i laugh with; eat with; share with; go out with; have fun with; cry with; vent to. these people are there to cheer me up when things are going bad. these are the people that let me know how much i mean to them. these are the people that support me in everything, even if they don't agree with it. these are the people that never forget to call or to invite me somewhere or to send a message to. these are the people that don't tear me down; don't talk bad about; don't make me feel bad. these are the people that keep me going every day.

my boyfriend is more than i could ever ask for in life. he's supportive of me. he makes me feel like the most beautiful person on the earth. he brings me flowers just because. he's one of my best friends -- i can call him and vent. i can call him to cry. i can call him to share. he makes me so insanely happy that just thinking about him brings a smile to my face and makes every cloudy day bright.

i'm alive. i'm healthy. i'm doing everything i can to make my life what i want it. i've screwed up along the way and, even when i'm getting discouraged, i remind myself that tomorrow's a new day. it's never too late.

...it just seems that in life, i always befriend the people that don't truly care about me. they don't support me. they don't remember to call. they tear me down. they talk about me. they purposely hurt me. they don't think about me. it's hurtful. it makes me feel like someone no one could ever care about. they make me question who i am. they make me question what kind of person i am.

but, through it all, i know that god has put these people in my life for a reason. i would not be the daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend that i am today. yes, i am FAR from perfect. i piss people off. i hurt people. but, i love who i am -- imperfections and all. i don't expect everyone to, and that's okay. i love my family. i love my friends. i would do anything for them. i always will. and, if that's not good enough for someone, then maybe you're just not good enough for me.

(wish on a star)

i need to get this off my chest before i do this all-nighter [07 Dec 2005|10:33pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

so, it's no secret that this semester has been really hard for me. some of you may know why; some of you may know some of it; some of you may not know at all. if you do or don't, it doesn't matter.

i know why this semester has been hard. am i happy with the way i handled things? no, not at all. do i wish i could start this semester over again? more than anything. but, the thing is, it happened. and now, i have to deal with the consequences. and, i am. i'm doing everything i can to make sure that the things that went on this semester and the things i am dealing with and will continue to deal with don't get in the way of my academics again. i know what i need to do to change things and i'm doing everything humanly possible to do that.

the thing that pisses me off is the fact that there is someone out there who thinks that i was just lazy. that i could give a fuck about school and that i just didn't do stuff because i didn't feel like it. that there is a person who thinks that the long, personal e-mails i sent to my teachers was a bunch of bullshit and it was just an excuse to try and get them to feel sorry for me. this person doesn't know me. this person doesn't know what's been going on in my life and in my head for the past few months. this person has NO idea what i am dealing with and how the things that i have dealt with in my past sometimes come back to bite me in the ass. and, for this person to make a joke and basically call me a slacker and a liar is more hurtful than anything. this person thinks that he or she is better than me because he or she is getting better grades. or has gone to more class than i. or works harder, in his or her opinion.
the fact is, i don't have to explain myself to this person. this person is not someone who is worthy of explanation. i do what i do. if this person wants to judge me, go ahead. judge all you want, but i know that the things i've been experiencing are real.

and, if what i've been dealing with and if the way i handle it is, in this persons mind, weak, fuck you. you are in NO position to criticize how i handle my life. you have no degree; no personal experience; know knowledge and certainly no place to tell me what i need and who i am and what the appropriate way to handle my life is.

i feel almost at ease about this semester (notice i said almost). i've done what i can to get the best grades possible and am happy with the way i've handled it, considering the circumstances. my good friends, family, and my boyfriend have helped me in more ways than they could know. they have encouraged me, supported me, given me love, and let me know they are there and have never ONCE judged me or made me feel like a bad person because of the mistakes i've made. THOSE are true friends, and you know who you are. THANK YOU.

i love my life. i love the fact that i'm not perfect. i love the fact that life hasn't been easy for me. i love the fact that i've had to go through hell to get to where i'm at. i love the fact that i've finally found people who love me no matter what. that's all i could ever ask for in life. and, i've found it.

(wish on a star)

worst day ever turned out not so bad. [06 Dec 2005|04:15pm]
[ mood | amused ]

::background info::

basically, parking in my building sucks and my car was towed. i'm upset and crying.

dad: there are worse things in life. it's just a towed car.
me: i know.
dad: go grab a beer.
me: i don't have any.
dad: now, that's depressing.

gotta love the dad. he makes me smile even when i'm sad.

and, spending 2 hours with david when i should be doing homework was TOTALLY worth it.

<3

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